I wish my penis had an off switch
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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