If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
