Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
