I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize