I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
