i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
