Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize