I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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