pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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