Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
