Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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