I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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