I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
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