A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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