i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
