I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
