and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
