btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
