I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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