If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
