plz talk dirty to me
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
