So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
