in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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