I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
