his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
