And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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