i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
