I wish my penis had an off switch
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
