plz talk dirty to me
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
