Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
