New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
