you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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