If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
