My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It's shark week go big or go home
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
