Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
