he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You ruined the universe
Randomize
