On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
