You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
