I'm lost and stupid without you.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
