just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
They took my balls.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
