Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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