can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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