It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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