Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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