Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
