Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
