I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
