I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
