i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
