bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
