Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
MIDGETS
????
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
