just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
