i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
