My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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