New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize