So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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