what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
