guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
