Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
