Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
