I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
